IBERIAN PENINSULA

Assalamualaikum wbk,

Bismillah hirRahman nirRahiim,

Was studying, am studying and will be forever studying, insyaAllah.

1

Yesterday, I saw a coffin in a limousine, indicating a death of an elder. My hostel is situated directly in front of a old folk home. Shivering, I couldn't contain my sadness for a while. Sad for inexplicable reason and afraid for my own death. Death is inevitable, said my SV. So do tax and sunshines.

2

In reading some articles regarding to the public role, I have came across Iberian Peninsula, where Islam has been predominated since early 8th century. Where is it? It turns out that it's near to Gibraltar. A place where I visit last two years with my parents. The self-proclaimed best fish and chips. The shopping trips. And the cheeky monkeys. I should never live in the past, really. And you, enjoy your Spain trip!

3

Is drinking coffee bad for your health? I've bought the coffee, Douwe Egberts, own by Dutch, and start drinking it with milk. Not my cup of tea, usually I don't abuse my body with putting in more sugar and caffeine. I don't drink juices as well, I should take advantage of the cheaper juices here. I've read somewhere that the best coffee is Kopi Luwak, the most expensive and tastiest, and it's originated from Indonesia! And here I am, drinking coffee from the Netherlands. Disgusting.

4

My room is situated directly facing the sun. We have an extremely good weather nowadays, warmer and more sunshines. But as the British sky is quite empty of the clouds, the sun shines harshly sometimes, burning my face. I'm already a dark-skinned lady, I'm afraid that I'll become unrecognizable at the end of my study. Sigh.

LONDON FRIEND

Salams,

OMO,!

I'm studying (Yes, I'm studying, ladies and gentlemen, I disbelieve it myself) while listening to the No Min Woo's song called Trap, and OST from My girlfriend is Gumiho, and omo, out of no where, the moon itself is presenting herself prettily in front of me. It's nearly a full moon now. Many associate the dark magics and evil activities with the full moon. I haven't watch Twilight film series except Twilight ( I find it extremely boring), and everyone seems crazier when the full moon appears! Owh, Moon, how could a thing as beautiful as you be related to the ugly things such as black hearts? It doesn't make sense, doesn't make sense at all.

1

I'm lazying myself and immerse in the kdrama land. I originally want to kill my dinner time by watching a part of a drama, but boy, I'm hooked with the MGIG! Let's be honest, I never like dramas, it's a DRAMA, what do you expect from a drama then? More angst, angst and angst. And the plots are always cliche. Apart from GHOST, IRIS, BOF and SKKS, none of other dramas have managed me to be sucked into their worlds. And now MGIG. I was skeptical at first, the actors are not attractive enough to engage my attentions, and supernatural involvement always scared me more than a little. But this, drama, you, you, I die literally from laughing, laughing, crying and laughing again! Yes, the show, as Girlfriday put it, owes me, heart, body and soul.

2

I haven't start my third paper summary. Suddenly it occurs to me that today is the first time that I couldn't be able to accompany my dad to the hospital. This. Kill. Me. More. Than. You. Could. Imagine. Right now I imagine, after breakfast at the mamak stall, he will go there, in the wheelchair and waiting the nurse to prepare the blood transfusion. Usually he asks me to buy the papers, and we normally have a normal conversation about the stupid politicians that are trying to rob our country's wealth. Or he is simply reminiscing about the past, or he is trying to make conversations with other patients. I hate needles, I hate it so much. I hate hospital, and I pray that I do not have to be there, for what-ever reasons.

3

The Northern Star isn't here today, again. The moon looks so lonely. However, there are lots of other stars that enough to make my heart flutters. Today, I have witnessed the greatest sky painting ever at dusk. Suddenly I remember the 'roh' concept, taught by a friend. If he is correct, then the concept is awesome. I like it. I like it so so so so so much. The essence of the concept is 'roh' isn't bounded by time and space. If I remember you, it means, perhaps, PERHAPS ( I have to capitalize it in case it is misunderstood or wronged), my 'roh' meets yous. Awwww. This is the sweetest concept ever. That's why distance in the gravity concept doesn't mean anything, figuratively. Omo.

4

London friend is going home tomorrow. I wish I can pay her the last visit, as well as the perfect excuse to visit London and Heathrow Airport again. Heathrow Airport and I have such a damning relationship. I admire her, I admire her so much. I admire every single friend that I've ever made on the earth. I think, in my case anyway, admiration is an essential element for a friendship. I know, I know it's ridiculous, but I could never respect a friend if there is no admirable traits, and respect is the most important ingredient. It is practically a root, without it a plant will die.

And she practically has restored my spirit by her compliments yesterday, thank you, sister. I am nearly given up of everything, but you, you have opened up my eyes.

5

Well, I need to write down the technology transfer and remittance now. This chapter is killing me, but I've already promised myself that I won't die. I simply won't. You too, please do not die. And Moon, good prettily bye!

RANT AND RAVE

Salams,

Still need another 4500 words to be written. I've been writing crap things so far. There is a scary side of myself that I always know exist, disregard, but I never let it affects my works before. This word carries weight more than the meaning of negligence, but less than thoughtlessness. I just couldn't care about this piece of crap anymore. Conceptualization, go hang yourself.

1

There is a half moon outside to be enjoyed. Owh I'm in love. But, where is the Northern Star? I feel like to climb out and stay on the roof, gazing at it. Honestly, when I'm in the room, I forget that we are in the cold winter. The heater is always on. And the best thing is: the warm towel after a shower. Yes, unless you never experience the coldest wind that could eat your soul, you never appreciate the warmness. My dad hypothetically assumes that the temperature in the UK is much much colder in comparison to the NZ, because we have volcanoes over there. Is it right, Miss Geologist?

2

I was remarking to my flatmate how lucky the people in the UK to have services for disable people. Mentally disable people, for examples those who can't organise their diet as well as financial matters. Eating-disorder and shopaholic? I've been both, I do not think I need advices or even people to manage my life, thank you very much. Then I casually stated that this is perhaps what people in developing countries miss, we couldn't afford to allocate the resources to help these kind of people, simply that we have many many urgent national problems to attend to. What a surprised reply that I had, she told me that these kinds of services are provided due to severity of family disfunctionality in the UK. Seriously? What a tear-jerker wake-up call.

3

I listen to Animal Song by Savage Garden. Is the song ask us to further support capitalism and freedom of speech, which are totally against Islamic teachings? Well, the economist in me could never leave the cost-and-benefit analysis at home. Unlike some, I could never fall in love with the rhythm of a song. I must fall in love with the lyric in order to love a song, even though korean songs do make exceptions here. When I was in the chess competitions, I always sing Live songs to calm myself down, and be damn with whatever taught strategies. I love They Stood Up for Love song especially purely due to both lyric and rhythm. Tapping my fingers on the table, no wonder my opponents go crazy. But honestly, chess tournaments are crazy.

4

Are you missing me? No? Cheeky. They say distance doesn't matter when it comes to the matter of heart. According to the gravity theory,distance between objects/subjects is instrumental. Put it in a simple word, the bigger the distance is, the less tie will be. Therefore, this theory implies bahawa keberadaan itu sangat penting. Trues, absence makes a heart grows fonder. But remember, familiarity breeds contempts too. Atau, adoh tanpa wangenan cedhak datan senggolan? Awww, sweet.

Madness. Soul, what on earth drive you to this madness?

ACCEPTING REALITY

Salams,

*Komentar akan dibalas seawal-awalnya esok ya. Keadaan kelam kabut disini. Banjir hujan ribut petir*

1

Masih menulis. Sudah 1100 perkataan. Perlu 900 perkataan. Ya ampun, kayaknya gue sudah pancit. Ngga mampu menulis. Tapi ngga mahu tidur, the dream eater will chase me. Idea itu seperti jadual tidur baby, menurut kawan saya. Ah, manis sekali bukan kalau ia datang semasa sedang menghadap computer. Ini tidak, ia selalunya datang semasa mandi, memasak dan mahu tidur! Allahim. Allahim. I hate it the most when it comes when I already half-dead, half asleep, the words come dancing shameless, and owh no, it is beautiful! I vow to myself that I'll remember it the next morning, but alas, it is to no avail.

2

I am laughing out of my breath when I read this, it is posted in my friend's tumblr - Market needs not to be self-creating, self-regulating, self-stabilizing and self-legitimizing. So, basically, are you Keynesian pro now, no? It is a statement basically announces to fully support the notion of government intervention.

3

To prepare oneself of accepting reality is real hard, right? No amount of preparations can prepare you, I assure you. All I am asking, Ya Allah ya Rahman ya Rahiim, please grant me the ability to be calmed, when the time comes.

4

Mum asked me to cut my hairs, due to several reasons that I have no energy to write on. Do I feel remorse? Yes. Mourning about it. Here I repost the entry about it, exactly mirroring my current feelings now.

I’ve mutilated my hairs. I crop it, cop it, and abuse it. Without guilty, I snip it happily, using mirror as the only witness to my temporary insanity. If I am brought to the Chamber of Justice, I will laugh heartily to the harsh accusation of the ill-treatment to the most sacred property of women: hairs.

If all sins can be forgiven through the pleading of the temporary insanity, the world will be the darkest place to live in the entire universe.

But I always have an irrational desire to influence the style of my hairs. Short, long, curly, straight. Perhaps influence is not the accurate word; I need the power to manipulate how my hairs look like. Or more likely, it is an instrument for me to let the depression out before it has a chance to envelope me. And I don’t give a damn to the criticisms. Maybe I dye it one day, if the plead of temporary insanity is still legally applied to me *sigh* or just to irritate the hell of out you.

No fear, I have no slightest intention of turning my hairs’ colour into blonde, or red, or purple, or delicious blue. Reason? I’m not interested in doing it. Let’s that be an untold, unattainable fantasy for some. Because you know, some people are just like a tip of iceberg. You strip the layers of fats, muscles and bones; you have the privilege to stare directly into their souls. Whether it is ugly of beautiful, don’t forget to use the reason of temporary insanity if the souls repulse you, or attract you. Come to think about it, maybe, just maybe, you are the one who are guilty beyond reasonable doubts of temporary insanity for falling in love or out of love.

A quote that I found somewhere in my bloglists –“ Nobody can think straight when high on passionate love. People are not allowed to sign contracts when they are drunk, and I sometimes wish we could prevent people from proposing marriage when they are high on passionate love”, Prof. Jonathan Haidt (21^st century), a leading researcher in the positive psychology department.

My dear readers, before the fire of speculations becomes unruly, I’m not intoxicatingly in love, I’m not depressed (owh I know you want to challenge these self-proclamations), I’m still rational, sensible and sane. Just a thought for your lunch. Happy lunching. Let me float to the magnificent dreamland, where the unrest, weary hearts become stronger, wiser, and happier. Come with me, if you may.

USELESS

Salams,

* WARNING: THE CONTAINS OF THE ENTRY ARE NEITHER USEFUL NOR INFORMATIVE. ALL DAMAGES RESULTED ARE NOT THE RESPONSIBLE OF THE AUTHOR. PERHAPS YOU SHOULD STOP HERE.*

1

I spend the entire morning reading the attached papers sent by SV. All of these papers are not related to my papers, why does he send it though? He does have a wicked sense of humour. I do not have neither time nor heart to do another paper. The literature review will take months to do, not to mention that I have to build my modelling specification. Well. Yes, it's much easier than a surgeon's homework, I know. But unless that I discard my sleeping and watching movie time, yes, I should be able to do it.

Bear with me, my dear readers, or just scrap the next entire paragraph. Jump into number 2.

The new topic sounds interesting. The theoretical foundation shouldn't be that hard to understand. However, I'm worried about the methodology. Most papers use cointegration, from general-to-specific model. For me, to learn an entire new method is killing me. I know that I long to learn ARDL, because it is the alternative methods to cointegration, but I am out of race here. Since Lady Essex is away at Malaysia, and if SV asked me nicely to rewrite the last paper, Owh Allah, I couldn't bear this trial anymore! Please , please help me. I beg you.

If he ever asked me to do it, I know what I shall do: I just do the OLS. Muhahahahha.

I know my last paper is a little bit crap. But I learn a lot from doing it. It's an awesome method, accompany by pretty pictures.Where, in world, that you can see prettier graphs than in Economics? Honestly? And it took me so much time to dig at the model. The new topic introduced by SV this time is much more interesting, I admit. Why, owh why does he not sending these papers earlier?

You know, one of our biggest problems is to satisfy the SV's curiosity, not ours. I'm the type that easily curious about things. True, I do not care, I'm just curious. How awful it is when I put it into words, aii? Call me cold-hearted doll. Whatever.

2

I have abused my eyes by watching too many gruesome Korean films. I have abused my ears by listening wholeheartedly to the soppy songs. And I have abused my stomach by eating the instant noodles. I hate it. I seldom eat it. Not even when I was penniless. The normal body reaction is to puke it. So, I waste my pounds and time by buying and eating it. But I have always been influenced by the ramen-eating scenes in the Japanese and Korean dramas. It must be delicious, aii? Wrong. A thousand wrongs.

If dramas could be categorized as immigration, it is one damn good immigrant. Transcending influences across time, space and dimensions. Bring it on baby.

3

Taking a break from readings that drives me up to the wall, I look at the sky again. It's a somber, grey, sad sky today. We have a brief snows, follow by baby rain. It's extremely cold outside due to the raging wind. I was contemplating to go outside to get some coffee, yes, I've became addicted to it, blame it to the London friends *wink wink*. I never drink coffee/tea before. My mum doesn't serve it, and let me tell you the secret, red sirap is much more attractive than the black coffee/tea. Would you believe it that I never touch Karipap before? Because it's hideous. Yes, what a neurotic child.

Owh, I am distracted from talking about the first thing that I want to tell. I see a flock of birds. Flying happily, with no concern at all. No readings, no homeworks, no modelling. I think, why is it called a flock of birds, not a school of birds? Burung-burung yang berkawan dari sekolah. That's nice. Instead, they call it a school of dolphins. Well, ikan lumba-lumba jua berkawan dari sekolah, kan?

4

Was and am thinking of going down to London. I have some unfinished businesses to be settled. Or, if the destiny called cointegration shows up at my door, I definitely head up to Leicester. But I really really really want to go to Amsterdam again, to see Anis and leave all the heartaches in the UK for a while. Come with me, if you may.

TIDAK BISA BERHENTI

Selama lima bulan yang lepas, saya tidak mampu menangis. Waima sesakit mana pun hati saya, sesedih mana pun diri saya, saya ngga mampu menitiskan air mata. Walaupun setitis. Walaupun semasa raya. Walaupun semasa saat-saat kritikal. Walaupun semasa saya mengucup tangan dan pipi ayah bunda yang sudah tua buat kali terakhir. Walaupun semasa melihat Bunda mengesat-ngesatkan air matanya semasa menghantar saya pulang.

Walaupun saya sendirian ataupun berada di tengah keramaian.

Atau mendengar berita yang paling sadis atau tragis. Atau menerima khabar bahagia.

Air mata itu tidak pernah mahu hadir. Padahal saya adalah anak yang sangat dikenali terlalu cengeng sekali.

Aneh, aneh sekali.

Anda pernah menangis sampai seperti hati anda tergantung pada satu tali? Kerana anda tahu, sekiranya anda melepaskan tali itu, anda akan mati. Ya, positif.

Saya tidak pernah terfikir yang saya ngga akan mampu menangis satu hari nanti. Saya punya kawan yang sangat ampuh jiwanya. Tidak pernah menitiskan air mata di depan saya kecuali semasa menghantar saya terbang. Saya tidak pernah terfikir bahawa saya akan menjadi seperti dia, hari ini. Mahu menangis, tetapi tangisan itu sudah lama berlalu, hilang dibawa pergi salji.

Apa mungkin pabila saya menangis, saya tidak akan bisa berhenti?

THE BEAUTIFUL NIGHT

Salams,

I was at page 45, and I couldn't go on. I reread and reread until it makes my head spinning. Last night I managed to go through 20 pages. And today, I manage to look at 25 pages more. Hardworking student, no?

Then the sun distracts me. The sunset. The colour of the sunset. Who ever could predict that I am being handed down the most beautiful gift ever? I get a room that face the field, the trees, and houses that look like in the movie set. My room is at the third floor, thus I can see everything down below.

The sky stretches out as wide as the eyes can see. It's not as blue as Jordan's sky. It's not as soft as at the Holy ground. But it still makes me cry. Without intention. Me, who can't even shed a tear when I hug my family.

This morning, when I slide the curtains, voila! There are snows everywhere. It's picturesque, beautiful yet cold to the core. And the sun greets me, subhAllah, how could a sun rise on the day that we have snows? Is it a way that Allah wants to convey me a message that faith and patience are definitely fruitful? Is it a comfort from Him? Ah, the ungrateful servant, forgive me, ya Allah.

And today, for the first time in a very long time, I see the crescent moon, waving goodbye cheerily to the tired sun. And how lovely it is that I'm able to watch the moon whenever I want to. I never have this kind of luxury before, I always wish for it, even when I was really small. I will wake up and pray at our small window, wishing that angels, the moon, and the stars will come out and greet me. You know, one of my very dreams before I die is to watch the night to pass, the starry night, where the stars are dancing madly and teasing each other.

Ah, the Northern Star has come out! You cheeky, have you appear to cheer me up?

p/s: watching the star and the moon with the song from secret garden as a background is not recommended.