Monday, 4 April 2011


Germany all the way.


I always think that I’m good with words. I can write beautiful sentences that can convey my true, exact feelings. I can even construct sentences that will force people to think and reflect. That’s quite an achievement I think, I mean, being able to move people is an honour, bestow by God Al-Mighty.

But lately, the gift is lost. (See, I’m at lost to explain it). Because I haven’t read much these past 2 years, I haven’t pruned my skills. I also do not have the ability anymore; can it be God already took it away? (Owh my God – nauzubillah).

Simply, I think, I don’t have a heart anymore. The heart is everything for me. I’m not a logical person like one of my best friends. I also do not possess the magic of writing with the flair like the other one. I wear my heart on my sleeve.


Where have you been? Are you trying to leave me? Are you sick? Are you simply vanishing into a thin air and leaving me stranded? Or are you playing a hide-and-seek game? Do you really have to disappear at this crucial moment? Don’t toy with me; you know that I’m not strong enough without you.

And where are you at the time where I need you the most? Life is black without you. No more a rainbow. Or prism. At least, a prism will shine when the light goes through it. And the best prism is you.

But, if, the manifestation of kun fayakun is indeed that you will be disappear, so be it.

p/s: ini ler ghopanyer kalau patah hati. I hate it. Thus, don’t ever fall in love with football. It is useless. Damn worthless. Damn hopeless.



I still have this desire.


Today is a rather an emotional day. Even the beautiful day and the shining sun can’t make up the weird feelings bottle up in my mind. Perhaps I’ve eaten too much, thus destroying some neurons in my brains. Or perhaps I’ve slept too much, causing another precious neurons dead. Yeah, I never learn my lessons – don’t over eat, and don’t over sleep.

Yesterday when I was doing my dishes, my new flat mate, Alex was cooking a wild rabbit. Imagine, wild rabbit! Sound real tasty, unfortunately I cant eat it. so...*thinking*...I should catch some wild rabbit and perform the slaughter by myself to be able to eat it, right?

Anyway, he was asking me about the economics crisis, since he assumed I have the authority of giving opinions about it, what he didn’t know is, I couldn’t care less about the heated topic. But as to humour him, I give my two-cents opinion, which I believed it didn’t make any sense to him. There are lots of theories and speculations why economics depression happens. I shudder to go there, I won’t go there. Because my dears, I don’t trust any of the bullshit theories. Because, deep down in the researchers’ hearts, they know they can’t know for sure too. Believe me.

And then, I told him my dream to go to USA instead of UK, and he simply looked at me as I’m a lunatic. He said “ What a strange desire you have”. And proceeded to tell me France is a way much better, or even Canada. And he asked why did I have this strange desire to go to USA?

How could I explain to him? And how could I explain myself? USA represents a challenge to me, intellectual, emotional and mental challenges. And to hear the past experiences from the students who used to study there make me envious. USA, is not what you hear, is not what you see.

But the words stuck at me for days - strange desires. It completely throws me out of my senses. Strange desires are normally used to describe a really bizarre desire, and in my interpretation, such as gays, lesbians, transsexuals, wars – anything abnormal.

But going to USA to further study is not one of them, right?