OLD WRITING PART 12

Bismillah hir-Rahman nir-Rahim,

Salam pembaca yang dimuliakan, Salam Pencinta Kebenaran.

Ramadhan sudah 10 hari, malangnya, amalan2 saya sangat-sangat miskin. Saya ini tidak tahu diuntung. Du’akan saya ya.

There are lots of things that I want to blog. In fact, before I fell asleep last night, the sentences were dancing in my head, touting me to let them out. What a mischievous little imp!

I was tired, admittedly. Mentally. I’m starting my second part of my literature review, concerning trade and immigration, another five thousands words to write. I was pretty exciting to start actually, but then when I read some of my friends’ and non-friends’ blogs, I felt depress. How could I achieve that kind of standard in writing the ordinary life, let alone the academic paper? My flawed thoughts will be sneered and jeered. But how could you compose a beautiful piece of economics works? Apparently we could, and when I read those kinds of books that are produced by those who have won the Nobel Prize in Economics, I’m cringed. The standards are definitely above my limit. And I’m waiting with the wrecked heart for SV’s verdicts on my masterpiece. I’m doomed. Damn.

Andros is definitely leaving his course. Some view his action as heroic, some unbelievable, and I do know his parents will be stunned and angry.

Me? I wept. I wept for him. I think, actually I wept because it reminds me of my failure. Because I’ve tasted what is really meant by failure. No, it is not about failing a course, or an essay, it is failing to achieve your own standards. That’s the biggest failure, I think. And now, I do understand if some people, even if they are the brightest students, the best in their fields, the finest, greatest scholars on earth, withdraw.

If I were in Andros’s situation, will I flight, or will I stay? I’ve been in a situation which one of my friends conveniently accused me of running away. At first, I was stung by the allegation. But then, I shrugged my shoulders, she wil never understand. For who can fully understand us but the ones who have gone through the same experiences?

Owh, I know the humiliation that comes with the “escape”. The mortification doesn’t even have any words to begin with.

I just pray, my dear readers, that you will never go through what we have gone through - in the name of pursuing academic excellence.