BREAK MY HEART

Bismillah hirRahman nirRahiim,

Assalamualaikum,

Kullu am wa antum bikhair.

In studying the impact of documented migrant workers, I have came across the issues related to the illegal workers. If I dig deeper, I will stumble upon the human trafficking issue, which just reading on its surface will break my heart.

Hear me, what compel a person to leave practically everything and starts a new life at foreign soils? The biggest push factors are unemployment and poverty while the biggest pull factors are the demand for low-paid services labour. But sometimes people believe that instead of selling a physical labour and service, it's better to sell a human. Read this: the total revenue from this illegal trade is between USD 5-9 billion annually.

I nearly vomit when I read the experiences told by the survivors of this most cruel trade: human trafficking. They are human, made from flesh and bloods, they are not a cute kitten or a beautiful flurry coat. Most of them are women and children (additional: of course there are males as well, come to think about it, it's seriously weird), yet the traders dare to touch these precious beings with their dirty hands. Most of them are being tricked and lured into this business, and many of them are kidnapped from their respective families.

I come from an affluent migrant family, therefore I am protected, alhamdulillah, from these kinds of lives. My families and relatives are involved in legal businesses, thus my experiences with the evil worlds are very limited, or perhaps to nonexistence. My knowledge come from books and films, as I am yet to encounter the depth of this evil trading. I always migrate, but as a knowledge-seeker, not as an income earner.

I always have this irrational desire to investigate this kind of issues. My original topic is Economics and Crime, focusing on the prison, but my sponsor wants me to examine the level and consequences of corruption in Malaysia, which I doubt I'll be alive after publishing my papers. My sister wants to study the human trafficking in Malaysia, which may bring her to neighbouring countries, alas her SV has opposed it as it's a dangerous topic for a lady. My other sister wants to specialize in the forensic and crime scene investigation, alas my Dad has prevented it. We may not have the police blood in our veins, but the sense of justice is still prevailing, and thus drive us to seek equity, fairness, integrity and freedom.

We are, if you may believe it, a justice fighter.

1-5

1

A somber, grey, sad sky, perfectly fits the picture of an evening winter. But there is a ray of sunshines, smiling prettily, waving good bye, wishing a good moonlight and a beautiful of starry night. You! As if you know how to heal the hurt. I'll see you tomorrow morning, Mr. Sunshine, insyaAllah.

2

A friend wrote that the pressure level of doing a research is at mega super super mega level. A friend told me that it's really annoying to see people at this stage. Yes, it will not only affect our moods, attitudes, behaviours, but also our lives. I'm not asking for the understanding, but I do not expect the sneers, jeers, and the illogical animosity. I'm still a human, and it should be the sole reason for any treatment that I receive.

3

At twilight, it's still the most beautiful painting I've came across. If I'm a painter, I will create a thousand pieces of arts reflecting its gorgeousness. If I'm the pianist, I'll play the songs worthy of its beauty. If I'm the singer, I'll sing the most wonderful song, celebrating its majesty. If I'm a writer, I'll write a million pages on its splendour and magnificence. Alas, I'm just a normal being.

Is there any words that could convey exact my feelings? Grateful. Yes, the word is grateful.

4

I'm going to study Sejarah next time. Writing in BM, see if my brains can cope it. Why do we have to write in English then? Is it because British and USA win the World War II? In Japan, for example, the language used during business transactions are Japanese. May be it has changed recently, but still, Japan is a member of G8. Comprehend that. May be I should start learning Japanese then.

5

I can't sleep, maybe I have drank so many coffee and tea. The amount of imported coffee and tea in Malaysia is at a staggering over RM6 billion in 2008 alone. We have Lipton, we have Boh, why do we have to import all of these kind of teas and coffees? This is called meeting various consumer demands. According to Miss Geologist, Britain imports tea and coffee from us (Southeast Asian countries), most of it, because they do not have tea and coffee plantations. Yah, and I buy Twinning teas, Harrods teas and Whittard teas and coffee. Owh Allahim.

TO DO

Taken from Huda

Taken from The Escapism

Taken from awohh I forgot again. Forgive me.

Salams,

Please pray for our safety and sanity here. We need it, owh we so need it.

MINUS FOUR

Salams,

Bismillah hir-Rahman nir-Rahiim,

1

I was out at 7.55am today, where the sun barely shows himself. The weather is extremely cold, it is minus 4 (-4 Celsius). I went to Bowburn to bid Ustaz Mazlee and Ustazah Hamidah goodbye. I feel like a hole in my heart, even though I'm not that close to them. They were among the families that asked my parents to have dinners, and for that, and many other reasons, I am greatly grateful. I wish all the best for their future undertakings, and I'm going to miss that little Mujadid.

2

Because it is so cold today, and I am out for quite sometimes, I feel close to fever. Yah, my room is really warm, and we don't expect that the temperature will fall so low. The sun is shining so brightly, yet the day is so cold. Deceitful. How could you smile so beautifully, yet so coldly? My face feels numb, my hands icy, and there are frosted leaves everywhere. Truly magnificent scenery, yet it's chilled to the bones.

3

My SV asks me, are you happy with your study? Why does he ask me out of sudden? Is he happy with my progress? Nervously, I answer that I'm totally happy. Yes, if my fellow friends read the following paragraphs, they will have their best laugh for today.

Why I'm happy?

I know the different between time series and panel data. I know the adf test, how to read the p-test, what's meant by significance. I know OLS, and their residual tests. I know robustness. I know VAR. To write these embarrassing simple things will embarrass me further, these are the kinds of first year economic students should know. But hell yeah, I know how to contexualization it with the literature review, theories and modelling in the present case. Even though it's really simple.

How could I'm not be happy? Rasa nak lompat-lompat macam kanak-kanak Ribena. Alhamdulillah.

4

As I've been sleeping for nearly half a day, let's study for at least half a day, shall we?

IBERIAN PENINSULA

Assalamualaikum wbk,

Bismillah hirRahman nirRahiim,

Was studying, am studying and will be forever studying, insyaAllah.

1

Yesterday, I saw a coffin in a limousine, indicating a death of an elder. My hostel is situated directly in front of a old folk home. Shivering, I couldn't contain my sadness for a while. Sad for inexplicable reason and afraid for my own death. Death is inevitable, said my SV. So do tax and sunshines.

2

In reading some articles regarding to the public role, I have came across Iberian Peninsula, where Islam has been predominated since early 8th century. Where is it? It turns out that it's near to Gibraltar. A place where I visit last two years with my parents. The self-proclaimed best fish and chips. The shopping trips. And the cheeky monkeys. I should never live in the past, really. And you, enjoy your Spain trip!

3

Is drinking coffee bad for your health? I've bought the coffee, Douwe Egberts, own by Dutch, and start drinking it with milk. Not my cup of tea, usually I don't abuse my body with putting in more sugar and caffeine. I don't drink juices as well, I should take advantage of the cheaper juices here. I've read somewhere that the best coffee is Kopi Luwak, the most expensive and tastiest, and it's originated from Indonesia! And here I am, drinking coffee from the Netherlands. Disgusting.

4

My room is situated directly facing the sun. We have an extremely good weather nowadays, warmer and more sunshines. But as the British sky is quite empty of the clouds, the sun shines harshly sometimes, burning my face. I'm already a dark-skinned lady, I'm afraid that I'll become unrecognizable at the end of my study. Sigh.

LONDON FRIEND

Salams,

OMO,!

I'm studying (Yes, I'm studying, ladies and gentlemen, I disbelieve it myself) while listening to the No Min Woo's song called Trap, and OST from My girlfriend is Gumiho, and omo, out of no where, the moon itself is presenting herself prettily in front of me. It's nearly a full moon now. Many associate the dark magics and evil activities with the full moon. I haven't watch Twilight film series except Twilight ( I find it extremely boring), and everyone seems crazier when the full moon appears! Owh, Moon, how could a thing as beautiful as you be related to the ugly things such as black hearts? It doesn't make sense, doesn't make sense at all.

1

I'm lazying myself and immerse in the kdrama land. I originally want to kill my dinner time by watching a part of a drama, but boy, I'm hooked with the MGIG! Let's be honest, I never like dramas, it's a DRAMA, what do you expect from a drama then? More angst, angst and angst. And the plots are always cliche. Apart from GHOST, IRIS, BOF and SKKS, none of other dramas have managed me to be sucked into their worlds. And now MGIG. I was skeptical at first, the actors are not attractive enough to engage my attentions, and supernatural involvement always scared me more than a little. But this, drama, you, you, I die literally from laughing, laughing, crying and laughing again! Yes, the show, as Girlfriday put it, owes me, heart, body and soul.

2

I haven't start my third paper summary. Suddenly it occurs to me that today is the first time that I couldn't be able to accompany my dad to the hospital. This. Kill. Me. More. Than. You. Could. Imagine. Right now I imagine, after breakfast at the mamak stall, he will go there, in the wheelchair and waiting the nurse to prepare the blood transfusion. Usually he asks me to buy the papers, and we normally have a normal conversation about the stupid politicians that are trying to rob our country's wealth. Or he is simply reminiscing about the past, or he is trying to make conversations with other patients. I hate needles, I hate it so much. I hate hospital, and I pray that I do not have to be there, for what-ever reasons.

3

The Northern Star isn't here today, again. The moon looks so lonely. However, there are lots of other stars that enough to make my heart flutters. Today, I have witnessed the greatest sky painting ever at dusk. Suddenly I remember the 'roh' concept, taught by a friend. If he is correct, then the concept is awesome. I like it. I like it so so so so so much. The essence of the concept is 'roh' isn't bounded by time and space. If I remember you, it means, perhaps, PERHAPS ( I have to capitalize it in case it is misunderstood or wronged), my 'roh' meets yous. Awwww. This is the sweetest concept ever. That's why distance in the gravity concept doesn't mean anything, figuratively. Omo.

4

London friend is going home tomorrow. I wish I can pay her the last visit, as well as the perfect excuse to visit London and Heathrow Airport again. Heathrow Airport and I have such a damning relationship. I admire her, I admire her so much. I admire every single friend that I've ever made on the earth. I think, in my case anyway, admiration is an essential element for a friendship. I know, I know it's ridiculous, but I could never respect a friend if there is no admirable traits, and respect is the most important ingredient. It is practically a root, without it a plant will die.

And she practically has restored my spirit by her compliments yesterday, thank you, sister. I am nearly given up of everything, but you, you have opened up my eyes.

5

Well, I need to write down the technology transfer and remittance now. This chapter is killing me, but I've already promised myself that I won't die. I simply won't. You too, please do not die. And Moon, good prettily bye!

RANT AND RAVE

Salams,

Still need another 4500 words to be written. I've been writing crap things so far. There is a scary side of myself that I always know exist, disregard, but I never let it affects my works before. This word carries weight more than the meaning of negligence, but less than thoughtlessness. I just couldn't care about this piece of crap anymore. Conceptualization, go hang yourself.

1

There is a half moon outside to be enjoyed. Owh I'm in love. But, where is the Northern Star? I feel like to climb out and stay on the roof, gazing at it. Honestly, when I'm in the room, I forget that we are in the cold winter. The heater is always on. And the best thing is: the warm towel after a shower. Yes, unless you never experience the coldest wind that could eat your soul, you never appreciate the warmness. My dad hypothetically assumes that the temperature in the UK is much much colder in comparison to the NZ, because we have volcanoes over there. Is it right, Miss Geologist?

2

I was remarking to my flatmate how lucky the people in the UK to have services for disable people. Mentally disable people, for examples those who can't organise their diet as well as financial matters. Eating-disorder and shopaholic? I've been both, I do not think I need advices or even people to manage my life, thank you very much. Then I casually stated that this is perhaps what people in developing countries miss, we couldn't afford to allocate the resources to help these kind of people, simply that we have many many urgent national problems to attend to. What a surprised reply that I had, she told me that these kinds of services are provided due to severity of family disfunctionality in the UK. Seriously? What a tear-jerker wake-up call.

3

I listen to Animal Song by Savage Garden. Is the song ask us to further support capitalism and freedom of speech, which are totally against Islamic teachings? Well, the economist in me could never leave the cost-and-benefit analysis at home. Unlike some, I could never fall in love with the rhythm of a song. I must fall in love with the lyric in order to love a song, even though korean songs do make exceptions here. When I was in the chess competitions, I always sing Live songs to calm myself down, and be damn with whatever taught strategies. I love They Stood Up for Love song especially purely due to both lyric and rhythm. Tapping my fingers on the table, no wonder my opponents go crazy. But honestly, chess tournaments are crazy.

4

Are you missing me? No? Cheeky. They say distance doesn't matter when it comes to the matter of heart. According to the gravity theory,distance between objects/subjects is instrumental. Put it in a simple word, the bigger the distance is, the less tie will be. Therefore, this theory implies bahawa keberadaan itu sangat penting. Trues, absence makes a heart grows fonder. But remember, familiarity breeds contempts too. Atau, adoh tanpa wangenan cedhak datan senggolan? Awww, sweet.

Madness. Soul, what on earth drive you to this madness?