DAFFODILS

Salams,

I love daffodils, always. No matter how much I try to love other flowers, except tulips, I always go for these beauties. It does have certain unfathomable attractions, subhanAllaah, that draw people like us. Nowadays, it has been blossoming everywhere. And what magical about these flowers is, it always bows to the opposite direction of the sunshines. Just like us.

On the way to Scotland, we see a carpet of rapeseed plants, a majestic yellow blanket. Not that I have ever taste the canola oil due to its unavailability in Durham city, but I would love to try one, later in the future insyaAllah. I want to see a carpet of bluebells in Wendover Woods on the Oxfordshire/Buckinghamshire, playing with the wood pixies and dancing with the blue fairies under the blue mushroom. Isn't it nice?

These pictures are for you, may it bring something surprisingly wonderful in you life, right now, right here.

SPRING

Assalamualaikum

Buat sahabat yang selalu ku cari untuk mengisi kekurangan ku, bukan untuk mengisi kekosongan ku. Untuk santapan roh ku. Yang sentiasa di hati dan takkan pernah mati.

Apakah khabar sahabatku? Ceriakah anda disana?

Today’s weather is 1 Celsius. As I’m in my comfy, in my room, writing to u, I don’t know how cold the outside is. But the weather is absolutely brilliant. Beautiful. The sun is shining, and my heart is also singing, I’m becoming sick of thinking how my heart has became so much dependent on the sun to be happy.

The weather cannot be trusted you know, fully trusted. Even when the sun is shining so arrogantly, it is very2 cold outside there. I have to be a penguin again, but thank God, I don’t have any urgent things to do today, I can put it off for today I mean. Ah! Miss Procrastination!

I went to the university last Friday, and it was absolutely cold, but again, the weather was deceiving everyone, thinking that the sun was out, the sky was cloudless, but it was actually windy, so windy. I couldn’t walk as normal walk, as the wind kept blowing at me, and at one time, I have to stand, or otherwise the wind will swipe me off- thank God, I have put an extra weight-otherwise I’ll be flying!

I forget of what actually I want to write. But as spring is here, everyone's mood is lighter, and happiness is everywhere. I hope too, that the happiness resides in your beautiful, beautiful heart.

KAMU II

Aku jadi penasaran,

melihat cantiknya hatimu.

Aku jadi cemburu,

dengan kamu,

yang sentiasa dilimpahi rasa tawakal,

ujian dianggap kifarah,

cinta dianggap anugerah,

mati dianggap indah.

KAMU

Aku jadi malu,

melihatmu,

atau mendengar tentang mu,

kapankan aku menjadi sepertimu?

kamu,

yang sungguh-sungguh Syurga dambakan.

ALWAYS THINK

Germany all the way.

___________________________________________

I always think that I’m good with words. I can write beautiful sentences that can convey my true, exact feelings. I can even construct sentences that will force people to think and reflect. That’s quite an achievement I think, I mean, being able to move people is an honour, bestow by God Al-Mighty.

But lately, the gift is lost. (See, I’m at lost to explain it). Because I haven’t read much these past 2 years, I haven’t pruned my skills. I also do not have the ability anymore; can it be God already took it away? (Owh my God – nauzubillah).

Simply, I think, I don’t have a heart anymore. The heart is everything for me. I’m not a logical person like one of my best friends. I also do not possess the magic of writing with the flair like the other one. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Heart.

Where have you been? Are you trying to leave me? Are you sick? Are you simply vanishing into a thin air and leaving me stranded? Or are you playing a hide-and-seek game? Do you really have to disappear at this crucial moment? Don’t toy with me; you know that I’m not strong enough without you.

And where are you at the time where I need you the most? Life is black without you. No more a rainbow. Or prism. At least, a prism will shine when the light goes through it. And the best prism is you.

But, if, the manifestation of kun fayakun is indeed that you will be disappear, so be it.

p/s: ini ler ghopanyer kalau patah hati. I hate it. Thus, don’t ever fall in love with football. It is useless. Damn worthless. Damn hopeless.

STRANGE DESIRE

Salams,

I still have this desire.

____________________________________________________

Today is a rather an emotional day. Even the beautiful day and the shining sun can’t make up the weird feelings bottle up in my mind. Perhaps I’ve eaten too much, thus destroying some neurons in my brains. Or perhaps I’ve slept too much, causing another precious neurons dead. Yeah, I never learn my lessons – don’t over eat, and don’t over sleep.

Yesterday when I was doing my dishes, my new flat mate, Alex was cooking a wild rabbit. Imagine, wild rabbit! Sound real tasty, unfortunately I cant eat it. so...*thinking*...I should catch some wild rabbit and perform the slaughter by myself to be able to eat it, right?

Anyway, he was asking me about the economics crisis, since he assumed I have the authority of giving opinions about it, what he didn’t know is, I couldn’t care less about the heated topic. But as to humour him, I give my two-cents opinion, which I believed it didn’t make any sense to him. There are lots of theories and speculations why economics depression happens. I shudder to go there, I won’t go there. Because my dears, I don’t trust any of the bullshit theories. Because, deep down in the researchers’ hearts, they know they can’t know for sure too. Believe me.

And then, I told him my dream to go to USA instead of UK, and he simply looked at me as I’m a lunatic. He said “ What a strange desire you have”. And proceeded to tell me France is a way much better, or even Canada. And he asked why did I have this strange desire to go to USA?

How could I explain to him? And how could I explain myself? USA represents a challenge to me, intellectual, emotional and mental challenges. And to hear the past experiences from the students who used to study there make me envious. USA, is not what you hear, is not what you see.

But the words stuck at me for days - strange desires. It completely throws me out of my senses. Strange desires are normally used to describe a really bizarre desire, and in my interpretation, such as gays, lesbians, transsexuals, wars – anything abnormal.

But going to USA to further study is not one of them, right?

I AM NOBODY

Catatan lama - to remind me the most.

_______________________________________________________________

Salam Pembaca yang dimuliakan. Semuga iman menjadi pegangan hari ini. Semuga Allah menjadi segala-galanya untuk anda.

I don’t really like to write in this style (dual languages), but as usual, some emotions are better expressing in different ways.

I used to scold my friends when they said they are …or they were nobody. If they use a present tense, it makes me so angry; I have no ideas why I react like that. If they use a past tense, alhamdulillah then, it shows that they are, on the way to the road of greatness. Even the road is dangerous and makes your heart weary, or your feet blistered, but it is still a journey that changes you from being nobody to somebody.

But when someone, who I believe is a good gentleman/lady, said that s/he is nobody, it compels me to think. It forces me to evaluate my own reactions to the statement. It drives me to the edge of genuine judgments – are we nobody?

In a long way from a library, I think, reason, contemplate, ponder, meditate, mull over, weigh up and reflect that statement. It hurts me in a way that I could never explain. And imagine. And justify. And rationalize.

And just before I enter my own bedroom, I decide, I’m somebody.

I’m somebody to my siblings, where they will hunt me for the settlement of the disputes, even I’m a thousands miles away. They seek my advices for everything, albeit I know it is useless. They hold my presence as if I am among them. They use me as their defensive arguments, or as a ground for their decisions.

I am going to teach, thus I have a social obligation and responsibility to the students and to the community, as well as to the society at large. I owe something to the academic world, as well as to the nations (read: nations). To beautify human characters and to ignite human souls. I’m on the way to become somebody, thus, all the money spent for my development of human capital will not be wasted.

I’m a muslim. Thus, I have a commitment to be a true muslim. Dalam alam ruh, saya telah berjanji untuk menjadi seorang muslim, makanya, dengan sedaya upaya saya cuba untuk menjadi seorang muslim; dengan kekuatan saya. I am here, in UK, where the racial hatred is so intense, where the religions’ wars are on the brink, where the kindnesses are no longer a part of a culture. Therefore, as a muslim, I need to show what Islam is all about. And Islam is all about beautiful manners (of course there are more in it, but how am I suppose to explain about Islam because all that they can connect with this religion is the terrorism, Bin Laden and September 11?).

I’m a lady. Perempuan yang dilahirkan dengan sifat-sifat perempuan. Dengan sifat-sifat yang dianugerahkan Ilahi. Dengan kekuatan yang diberi Ilahi. Mahu melangkaui batasan dan garisan dalam kehidupan ini? Belum mampu lagi. Tidak akan mampu rasanya. Sesuai dengan sifat-sifat semulajadi saya, mahu saja menjadi yang terbaik. That’s why I hate feminism, gender confusion, gays, lesbians. Ladies, let’s celebrate being the most glorious creatures on earth, as even the angels in the heaven are envious of us.

Dan, saya manusia. Ciptaan terbaik Tuhan. Saya menggalas tanggungjawap sebagai seorang khalifah, yang ini bumi dan langit pun tidak sanggup untuk memikulnya. Saya ada kekuatan pendengaran, penglihatan,aqal dan hati – antara nikmat terbesar untuk manusia, yang hanya diberi pada manusia.

How could you say that you are nobody?