KAMU

Aku jadi malu,

melihatmu,

atau mendengar tentang mu,

kapankan aku menjadi sepertimu?

kamu,

yang sungguh-sungguh Syurga dambakan.

ALWAYS THINK

Germany all the way.

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I always think that I’m good with words. I can write beautiful sentences that can convey my true, exact feelings. I can even construct sentences that will force people to think and reflect. That’s quite an achievement I think, I mean, being able to move people is an honour, bestow by God Al-Mighty.

But lately, the gift is lost. (See, I’m at lost to explain it). Because I haven’t read much these past 2 years, I haven’t pruned my skills. I also do not have the ability anymore; can it be God already took it away? (Owh my God – nauzubillah).

Simply, I think, I don’t have a heart anymore. The heart is everything for me. I’m not a logical person like one of my best friends. I also do not possess the magic of writing with the flair like the other one. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Heart.

Where have you been? Are you trying to leave me? Are you sick? Are you simply vanishing into a thin air and leaving me stranded? Or are you playing a hide-and-seek game? Do you really have to disappear at this crucial moment? Don’t toy with me; you know that I’m not strong enough without you.

And where are you at the time where I need you the most? Life is black without you. No more a rainbow. Or prism. At least, a prism will shine when the light goes through it. And the best prism is you.

But, if, the manifestation of kun fayakun is indeed that you will be disappear, so be it.

p/s: ini ler ghopanyer kalau patah hati. I hate it. Thus, don’t ever fall in love with football. It is useless. Damn worthless. Damn hopeless.

STRANGE DESIRE

Salams,

I still have this desire.

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Today is a rather an emotional day. Even the beautiful day and the shining sun can’t make up the weird feelings bottle up in my mind. Perhaps I’ve eaten too much, thus destroying some neurons in my brains. Or perhaps I’ve slept too much, causing another precious neurons dead. Yeah, I never learn my lessons – don’t over eat, and don’t over sleep.

Yesterday when I was doing my dishes, my new flat mate, Alex was cooking a wild rabbit. Imagine, wild rabbit! Sound real tasty, unfortunately I cant eat it. so...*thinking*...I should catch some wild rabbit and perform the slaughter by myself to be able to eat it, right?

Anyway, he was asking me about the economics crisis, since he assumed I have the authority of giving opinions about it, what he didn’t know is, I couldn’t care less about the heated topic. But as to humour him, I give my two-cents opinion, which I believed it didn’t make any sense to him. There are lots of theories and speculations why economics depression happens. I shudder to go there, I won’t go there. Because my dears, I don’t trust any of the bullshit theories. Because, deep down in the researchers’ hearts, they know they can’t know for sure too. Believe me.

And then, I told him my dream to go to USA instead of UK, and he simply looked at me as I’m a lunatic. He said “ What a strange desire you have”. And proceeded to tell me France is a way much better, or even Canada. And he asked why did I have this strange desire to go to USA?

How could I explain to him? And how could I explain myself? USA represents a challenge to me, intellectual, emotional and mental challenges. And to hear the past experiences from the students who used to study there make me envious. USA, is not what you hear, is not what you see.

But the words stuck at me for days - strange desires. It completely throws me out of my senses. Strange desires are normally used to describe a really bizarre desire, and in my interpretation, such as gays, lesbians, transsexuals, wars – anything abnormal.

But going to USA to further study is not one of them, right?

I AM NOBODY

Catatan lama - to remind me the most.

_______________________________________________________________

Salam Pembaca yang dimuliakan. Semuga iman menjadi pegangan hari ini. Semuga Allah menjadi segala-galanya untuk anda.

I don’t really like to write in this style (dual languages), but as usual, some emotions are better expressing in different ways.

I used to scold my friends when they said they are …or they were nobody. If they use a present tense, it makes me so angry; I have no ideas why I react like that. If they use a past tense, alhamdulillah then, it shows that they are, on the way to the road of greatness. Even the road is dangerous and makes your heart weary, or your feet blistered, but it is still a journey that changes you from being nobody to somebody.

But when someone, who I believe is a good gentleman/lady, said that s/he is nobody, it compels me to think. It forces me to evaluate my own reactions to the statement. It drives me to the edge of genuine judgments – are we nobody?

In a long way from a library, I think, reason, contemplate, ponder, meditate, mull over, weigh up and reflect that statement. It hurts me in a way that I could never explain. And imagine. And justify. And rationalize.

And just before I enter my own bedroom, I decide, I’m somebody.

I’m somebody to my siblings, where they will hunt me for the settlement of the disputes, even I’m a thousands miles away. They seek my advices for everything, albeit I know it is useless. They hold my presence as if I am among them. They use me as their defensive arguments, or as a ground for their decisions.

I am going to teach, thus I have a social obligation and responsibility to the students and to the community, as well as to the society at large. I owe something to the academic world, as well as to the nations (read: nations). To beautify human characters and to ignite human souls. I’m on the way to become somebody, thus, all the money spent for my development of human capital will not be wasted.

I’m a muslim. Thus, I have a commitment to be a true muslim. Dalam alam ruh, saya telah berjanji untuk menjadi seorang muslim, makanya, dengan sedaya upaya saya cuba untuk menjadi seorang muslim; dengan kekuatan saya. I am here, in UK, where the racial hatred is so intense, where the religions’ wars are on the brink, where the kindnesses are no longer a part of a culture. Therefore, as a muslim, I need to show what Islam is all about. And Islam is all about beautiful manners (of course there are more in it, but how am I suppose to explain about Islam because all that they can connect with this religion is the terrorism, Bin Laden and September 11?).

I’m a lady. Perempuan yang dilahirkan dengan sifat-sifat perempuan. Dengan sifat-sifat yang dianugerahkan Ilahi. Dengan kekuatan yang diberi Ilahi. Mahu melangkaui batasan dan garisan dalam kehidupan ini? Belum mampu lagi. Tidak akan mampu rasanya. Sesuai dengan sifat-sifat semulajadi saya, mahu saja menjadi yang terbaik. That’s why I hate feminism, gender confusion, gays, lesbians. Ladies, let’s celebrate being the most glorious creatures on earth, as even the angels in the heaven are envious of us.

Dan, saya manusia. Ciptaan terbaik Tuhan. Saya menggalas tanggungjawap sebagai seorang khalifah, yang ini bumi dan langit pun tidak sanggup untuk memikulnya. Saya ada kekuatan pendengaran, penglihatan,aqal dan hati – antara nikmat terbesar untuk manusia, yang hanya diberi pada manusia.

How could you say that you are nobody?

GET HAPPY

Bismillahhir-Rahman nir-Rahim.

I was studying (I swear I was studying) when my laptop suddenly became so slow, and the ADOBE READER sent a message stated that it couldn’t functioning properly and had to shut down. Man, I was freaked out and closed all the applications and started to scan my laptop.

I’m a computer illiterate.

Well, it gives me time to write though. The computer crash seems like a blessing instead of a disaster. I hope I will be able to look at everything as a miracle, rather than a tragedy. You should try it too; it will make huge impacts in your life.

Hedonism. It means pleasure-seeking, self-indulgence, profligacy. Big words aii? Big words always scare me. For those who are interested in further pleasure reading can pay a visit to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonism

A friend is doing hedonism as his dissertation topic. If I’m not mistaken, he’s trying to argue that hedonism is also good if it applies to the higher-level pleasures such as honour, love and friendship.

Kak, do you remember that this is the concept that you introduced to me years ago? It seems that most Malaysians are hedonists, regardless of their ages and genders. And the facts that they are low-level hedonists are maddening, and it saddens me. How many times that you heard news with regard to rapes, bohsia, bohjan, gay, lesbians, obesity, alcoholics, group-sex, wild concerts, nudism, prostitution and drugs?

Nauseating. Sickening.

It seems to me that they use the hedonism concept as an excuse for all the pleasure-seeking activities; they believe all the actions taken should be directed toward achieving the greatest amount of happiness.

I envy you, happiness, everyone is chasing you. Hard.

Owh, go and get happy.

SOTON

Bismillahhir-rahman nir-rahim..

Salam pencinta kebenaran. Moga diberi Allah swt hidayah dan kekuatan.

Saya baru pulang dari Southampton a.k.a Soton. Panjang bangat mau menyebutnya, dipendekkan sahaja. Saya jatuh cinta lagi pada bandarnya dan orang-orangnya. Bandarnya besar, lengkap, dan pada saya yang memerlukan "window shopping" sekali sekala, serta "walk in the park", bandar ini memenuhi cita rasa saya. Sesekali saya membandingkan Durham dengan Soton, ternyata jauh bezanya. Sekiranya diberi peluang, mahukah saya ke University of Southampton? Mau sahaja, asalkan supervisor saya ada disana.

Tujuan saya kesana, adalah mahu menggembirakan hati sahabat saya, sahabat yang sepatutnya menjadi sahabat perjuangan saya. Dia saya kira, dikhianati dan dianiayai oleh pihak-pihak tertentu sehingga tidak dapat melanjutkan pelajaran di Durham University. Nasib kami hampir serupa, cumanya saya lebih berani dari dia dalam memperjuangkan hak. Makanya, saya datang Soton mahu menghadiri majlis konvokesyen untuk ijazah Master dia.

Tapi saya dapat lebih dari itu. Saya jumpa teman-teman baru, yang sembahyang jemaahnya tidak ditinggalkan. Saya jumpa teman baru dari negara seberang yang kesedihan tidak punya kesempatan mahu menghadiri majlis konvonya tahun hadapan. Saya jumpa teman baru yang tabah kerana terpaksa mengulang satu tahun pengajian walaupun ayah bunda tercinta sudah hadir ke UK. Saya jumpa teman baru yang keseorangan semasa majlis konvo, kerana kematian ayahnya tahun lepas, dan ini memustahilkan ibunya hadir. Saya jumpa teman baru yang dianiaya supervisor sehingga tidak berjaya mendapat PhD, pulang dengan tangan kosong ke Malaysia. Saya jumpa teman baru yang ceria, bunga ungu dan bunga kuning.

Semasa penganugerahan mereka, saya hampir mengalirkan air mata. Kun fayakun kah lagi tiga tahun saya berdiri di depan Vice Chancellor, dikalungkan jubah, sambil di saksikan oleh kedua ibu bapa saya?

InsyaAllah. Kun Fayakun.Dan saya tersenyum sendiri, saya tidak perlu melutut diatas kerusi kecil semasa pengalungan jubah , kerana saya sedia kalanya rendah!

Dan kamu, jangan ragu-ragu ya.

SELF-JOURNEY

Salams,

I should travel, I must travel, I need to travel. But my heart has no no heart at all.

_____________________________________________________

Bismillahhir-rahman nir-Rahim,

Salam Pencinta Kebenaran, moga Allah s.w.t sentiasa bersamamu,itu du’a saya.

Perjalanan ke Southampton adalah perjalanan paling jauh setakat ini, 7 jam by train. Dan saya keseorangan, kerana ini perjalanan ini adalah untuk sahabat saya, bukan untuk saya. Pada mulanya saya berkira, bagaimana saya boleh bersetuju untuk ke Southampton? Dengan masalah kewangan, perjalanan yang jauh, dan berseorangan? Tapi hati saya kali ini mudah sahaja membuat keputusan.

Tiada apa yang menarik dalam perjalanan pergi. Tetapi perjalanan pulang menjanjikan pelbagai peristiwa yang hingga kini membuatkan saya tersenyum, walaupun ketika kejadian berlaku, hati saya bagai apa sahaja.

Train saya pukul 615. Selepas solat subuh, saya sudah tidak mampu untuk menyambung tidur, hati sudah mahu terbang ke Durham, where my heart resides. Kami tiba lewat di Southampton Central, dan saya berlari ke Platform 1, memasuki Couch B, where there is free-seating.

Mahu berjaga melihat sun rises, tapi saya sudah dipanggil ke alam mimpi.

Saya terjaga setiba di Oxford, tempat tinggal sahabat MRSM saya, teringat janji mahu menziarahi, tetapi sehingga kini Allah swt tidak mengizini. Saya terbau sesuatu yang mengjengkelkan, sememangnya hidung saya sensitive, rupanya ada dua ekor anjing di hadapan saya! Seekor sudah mampir dan menyeringei, saya apa lagi, menjerit sehingga tuan punya anjing menjeling tajam! Memang kebanyakan kucing dan anjing sukakan saya, adakah saya ini pantas mengeluarkan aura ketakutan kepada haiwan-haiwan ini? Hati saya berdegup kencang, sebelum sempat saya marah-marah ketakutan, saya dipanggil lagi ke alam mimpi.

Saya terjaga di Derby, kerana aroma ayam masak kari menusuk-nusuk hidung. Rupanya tempat duduk tuan punya anjing itu diganti dengan sebuah keluarga Pakistan/ India/ Bangladesh yang sedang menikmati breakfast. Terus perut saya membuat kugiran. Dan kemudiannya anak perempuan mereka menyanyi-nyayi lagu kanak2 seperti Twingkle2 little stars, ABC, CInderela, Papa Mama etc. Sakit kepala saya kerana dia menyanyi on top of her lungs. Kuat. I wonder, why her parents let her do that kind of things? Kalau saya, sudah lama dicubit oleh Emak.Behaving properly in public is one of her main concerns. Sebelum sempat saya marah-marah menyampah, saya dipanggil lagi ke alam mimpi.

Kemudian saya terjaga lagi di Leeds. Terlalu bising di Couch B ini. Rupa2nya terdapat pemuzik-pemuzik jalanan bersembang-sembang kosong, saya lihat muka mereka memerah, sudah separuh mabuk kah? Sebelum sempat saya marah-marah panas, saya kembali lagi ke alam mimpi.

Kemudian di York, dimana saya bernekad mahu berjaga melihat keindahan UK diwaktu summer. Kambing biri-biri yang asyik makan, lembu-lembu yang ada polkodot, kuda-kuda yang berlari-larian, ladang kuning, ladang ungu, ladang hijau, yang semuanya tidak termasuk dalam pengetahuan saya.

Syukur saya tidak dipanggil lagi ke alam mimpi sehingga ke Durham. Kalau tidak, mungkin ada tragedy ke Edinburgh. Dan alam mimpi banyak menyelamatkan saya dari marah-marah yang sia-sia!