SHAMELESS

Assalamualaikum,

Bismillahirrahman nirrahiim,

Allahuma Solli 'Ala Sayyidina Muhamad, wa'ala Ali Sayyidna Muhamad,

How shameless I am for my past entry. I went a little bit crazy yesterday, and pour my heart out in my entry.

Nevertheless, I am thankful, and grateful to Allah the Most Excessively, Especially Merciful, Ar-Rahman nir-Rahiim, The Utmost Kind, for sending me some priceless gifts, or rezk, or rahmah, through many du'a, and kind words from these special people. People who are really understand what I am going through, who have lost more than me, but are still standing tall. May Allah swt bless them with the best rezk, with the strongest protection, with the most beautiful life.

Ermayum - who has lost both of her parents. Enno - who has lost her mum. Asal - who has lost her father, her only sister, and her nephew. Aishah - who has lost her mum. And Din - who is currently facing many trials and tribulations.

And you - the strongest among us.

I want to share you some serious matters. I seldom fall in love, but when I fall, I fall hard.

I have fallen in love with this man. This beautiful man, who I bet, has many many admires which haven't hesitate to offer themselves to him. Including me, if I have a chance. (Offer means - marriage).

This man's name is Nouman Ali Khan.

Listen to one of his speeches, and you will understand why many ladies will fall for him. The thing that I really really love about him is his urges for us to go back to Al-Quran. Perfecting our solat by improving our relationship with Al-Quran. Everything he says is always concerning about Al-Quran. The words of Allah swt. To learn ancient arabic so we can really understand this brilliant kitab. To wonder at these magnificent kalam, and implement it in our lives, insyaAllah.

You know what? My weakest ability is listening. I'm not a good listener, but I will strive hard to be a good one insyaAllah. I can't listen clearly, either in Malay, my mother-tongue language, or English, the language that I am forced to excel. Nevertheless, I can listen clearly, word by word, uttered by this man. MasyaAllah. SubhanAllah. How great is it? Sometimes I wonder about the Majestic Allah swt, who bestows me this nikmat.

I envy him, in many aspects, and insyaAllah, I also want to be like him, encouraging people to not lose hope in Allah swt's mercy and love and rahmah. Please pray for me. You can visit him through these sites: Muslimmatters, Halaltube, and many sessions in youtube.

In the meantime, take care. And like Ayza Gursoy prays for me, I pray for you guys -Allah'a emanet olun - Saya amanahkan anda kepada Allah.

Salam kasih.

PLEASE

Salams,

Bismillah hir-rahman nir-rahiim.

Allahumma Solli 'Ala Saiyidina Muhamad, wa'ala ali Saiyidina Muhamad.

Was visiting his grave this evening, and I'm afraid I was making a scene.

Would you, please, spend a minute or two, reciting al-fatihah for him? To Haji Marwan Bin Saliman.

Al- Fatihah.

Thank you. It makes me feel so much better.

There are a lot of new graves in the graveyard. Adik told me that death is a normal business, but it is never normal in my life. I saw the blue sky that I loved so much before, where the sun smiled brilliantly and I prayed to Allah swt that all inhabitants of this graveyard are being pardoned for their sins, and to be saved from the punishments and the hellfire, especially my Dad and my Grandma. I prayed really really really hard.

I know I should move on. But I couldn't at this stage. It still hurts like hell. I'm recovering, but the road of recovery is really painful. The death of the loved ones, if you never experience it, you would never understand the depth of the wound. Wound - the word could not even describe what I'm going through.

This ordeal, this ordeal is too great to be told. There is a hole in my heart, heck, my heart is probably bursting into a million dusts. But my friend told me that I have a special attention from Allah swt, by giving me this really really horrific trial, He gives me all the opportunities to repent, and to be closed to him. To be honest, all trials in my short life are really insignificant compare to this.

I wonder, how do you survive?

Friends of my heart - how do you survive this greatest tragedy?

And still standing tall?

Let me know, please. Please.

DISAMPUK RINDU

Salams,

Terdengar pintu dibuka, dengan bunyi kunci dipusing.

Dalam hati - eh Abah dah balik dari surau.

Tiba-tiba tersedar - he's not here anymore.

Menangis.

I want to see him, for the last time. To talk to him. To laugh with him. To tease him. To walk with him. To have a dinner together. Just one last time.

CATATAN ABAH - DAY 7 GOING TO SPAIN

Salams,

Bismillah hir-Rahman nir-Rahiim,

Allahuma Solli 'Ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa'ali Sayyidina Muhammad.

Semoga kalian tetap berada di jalan-Nya. Mintalah pada-Nya, iman yang sebenarnya, hati yang khusyu', ilmu yang berguna, keyakinan yang benar-benar mantap.

Disini saya persembahkan kepada kalian tentang catatan Arwah Abah pada hari ke 7.

_________________________________________________________

DAY 7 4/5/09 Isnin

3.30 pagi

Bangun solat subuh. Hari ini cuti umum "Bank Holiday"

5.00 pagi

Makan roti prata (roti canai) yang dibeli di Durham, made in Malaysia. Tido lagi.

10.30 pagi

Makan nasi. Bersiap-siap nak bertolak ke Newcastle airport untuk fly ke Spain.

1.04 petang

Solat Zohor.

1.15 petang

Naik kereta bertolak ke Airport Newcastle. Terus check-in masuk dua beg bagasi.

3.15 petang

Masuk untuk fly - 2 botol syampoo dan sabun mandi di rampas.

3.35 petang

Masuk ke pintu gate

3.55 petang

Fly to Malaga Airport. Order teh untuk minum di udara, harga 2 pound.

6.45 petang

Sampai di Malaga. En. Khairul dan 3 lagi peserta tunggu di kenderaan. Menuju rumah penginapan. Singgah dahulu di Mall, makan kebab di Mall. +- 1 jam. Kebab halal.

Sambung perjalanan sampai rumah penginapan. En. Khairul memandu kereta dengan 6 peserta. En. Khairul masak untuk makan malam. Jam 10 + malam makan malam.

Dengan Mem sebilik, akak tido bilik lain dengan pensyarah UPM yang baru habis dapat PhD dari Cardiff University, UK.

Nama penginapan dan alamat:

Ville Ellen-Maria.

Calle marbella 1219,

Pinos de Alhaurin

Alhaurin de la Torre

29130 Spain.

Kos perbelelanjaan: 3 orang = 1230 pounds. 1230 pound * 5.35 = RM6568.20. Seorang RM 2189.40.

Komentar -

Wah, he's an accountant too! They, both of my parents, cant shake the habit of converting pound/euro to ringgit malaysia, which is scary. You won't eat or buy things out of fear of wasting money. I teach them to just enjoy it, money won't be a problem (ceh, cakap macam orang kaya).

Today is a tiring day, a day journey is always tiring. Alhamdulillah both of them are healthy at this time. I haven't realise this rezk and nikmat until now, silly me. Alhamdulillah, ya Allah swt. Alhamdulillah.

I am contemplating of visiting his grave today. I still feel this is unreal, he is there, out there, somewhere. Imagine the feeling of an orphan, or worse, the child from a broken family, where his/her father is gone, without knowing where they are.

Huh.

I miss him. Abah, I miss you, very very very much. Al-fatihah to Haji Marwan Bin Saliman/ Binti Gemi.

CATATAN ABAH - DAY 6 DINNER AT UST MAZLEE'S PLACE

*Idok le teman pasti depe bincang pasei ape, udoh intellect jumpe intellect, politik le, ekonomi le, rakan-rakan di UIA le, perjuangan le, teman lebih berminat dengan kuih muih*

Salams,

Bismillahir-Rahman nir-Rahiim,

Allahuma Solli 'Ala Saiyyidina Muhammad, Wa'ala ali Saiyyidina Muhammad.

Saudara saudari yang ku kasihi sekalian. Semoga hari ini adalah hari yang terbaik dalam hidup kita. Apa keajaiban yang anda lakukan untuk orang lain hari ini? Memberikan senyuman yang maha ikhlas untuknya? Memberikan pemberian dari sesuatu yang sangat anda cintai? Memberikan hati anda yang cantik itu? Atau mendoakan ia supaya hidup bahagia di dunia dan di akhirat?

Lakukan lah.

Disini saya persembahkan catatan Arwah Abah pada hari ke-6.

________________________________________________________

Hari ini tiada apa-apa rancangan nak keluar. Duduk rumah tengok TV dan tido.

7 Malam

Ustaz Mazlee (ambil PhD dalam politik di Durham University) dan isterinya juga ambil PhD - ajak makan malam di rumahnya tidak jauh dari rumah Akak cuma bukan di deretan yang sama.

Makan mee muar, laksa perlis dan kuih bengka tepung.

Cerita-cerita latar belakang persokolahan di Sekolah High Science JB lepas tingkatan 3 , masuk Maahad dan ke University di Jordan. Jadi Pensyarah di UIA dalam bidang feqah. Beliau ketua Persatuan Pelajar Islam Durham. Dia kata masa musim panas dibolehkan solat jamak Maghrib dan Isya' sebab tak tahu sebenarnya masuk Isya' (Komentar - waktu isya' tidak jelas ). Beliau akan dipanggil oleh Majlis Bandaran untuk beri ucapan dan bacaan al-Quran di Durham Cathedral (gereja) pada bulan Mei ini bersama dengan wakil-wakil agama lain.

Beliau kata desakan pelajar-pelajar Islam membolehkan pihak Durham University memberi tempat sebuah bangunan 2 tingkat untuk pelajar solat dan solat Jumaat.

Beliau kata setiap pagi minggu ada jualan murah yang dipanggil 'carboot. Beliau baru balik dari Sunderland untuk beli barang-barang terpakai ini.

8.30 malam

Balik rumah (kira-kira 50m). Solat Maghrib dan Isya' .

Tengok TV, mak dan akak kemas-kemas nak ke Spain esok.

Tido.

Komentar -

I know that today is an unproductive day, mainly it is because that I want them to have enough rest for a 6-days trip to Spain starting tomorrow. I want to bring them to the carboot in Seaham, but alas, the situation hasn't permitted me to rent a car, and most of my friends used their cars for their own private purposes. But actually, I want to have a lazy Sunday. Perhaps he doesn't write it here, but he always remarks that our little village is quite charming, perhaps a hint to take a walk? But I'm afraid of the dogs.

:)

I'm recovering. I'll meet him, insyaAllah, that's the reality. But I want to meet him in my best condition, which I need to improve my Imaan, and do many many good deeds with the best intentions.

Missing him? More than you know. But I know that many people are suffering more than me. To those who are - I heart thee.

And ya Allah, alhamdulillah hiRobbul 'Alamin, for giving me these abundance rezk. Alhamdulillah. You are, indeed, the Most Kind. The Most Giving.

"Adapun terhadap nikmat Tuhanmu, maka hendaklah engkau menyebut-nyebutnya (Adh-Dhuha -93:11).

CATATAN ABAH - DAY 5 NEWCASTLE

Assalamualaikum,

Bismillah hir-Rahman nir-Rahiim.

Salam Pencinta Kebaikan, semoga kebaikan dari Tuhan itu sentiasa datang menghampirimu, memelukmu, melindungimu dari segala kejahatan. Salam Pencinta Kebenaran, moga segala kebenaran itu tetap bertapa didadamu. Salam Pencinta Keajaiban, moga segala keajaiban itu selalu berlaku di dalam hidupmu, setiap masa dan ketika, lebih-lebih lagi di dalam raja segala bulan ini.

Saya persembahkan kepada kalian catatan dari Arwah Abah untuk hari kelima.

DAY 5 2/5/09 Sabtu

Hari ini pelan untuk ke Newcastle. Bandar terbesar di bahagian utara england.

9.00 pagi

Pagi minum pagi di rumah Tengku Adlina. Makan roti dan bihun berkuah.

10 pagi

Akak pinjam kereta kawan (isterinya orang perak, rumah awam pekan baru TI). Suami isteri ambil PhD. Akak pandu kereta jenis Honda -auto. Suami nama Nasaruddin.

Melalui highway Durham ke Newcastle. Parking kereta di Metro Centre (Green Mall). Banyk kedai beli belah. Naik bus ke Newcastle.

Sampai di pusat bandar. Ramai orang muda-mudi di medan Square (atau padang). Ambil hambar termasuk Stadium Newcastle. Kemudian naik bas ke ke Jambatan tergantung si sungai (?). banyak ambil gambar di sekeliling sungai ini. Sebelum ke jambatan, minum coffee di Starbuck Stall dan makan roti yang dibekalkan oleh Tengku Adlina (roti telur rebus).

4.30 petang

Naik bas dari town centre ke Metrocentre (Green Mall) - bus di sini boleh diturunkan bahagian depan kiri ronda supaya sama tinggi dengan tebing kaki lima untuk orang mudah masuk bas (tak ada tangga bas). Bahagian belakang dalam bas tempat duduknya lebih tinggi dan tempat picit untuk turun di tiang bahagian tengah dalam bas.

Sampai di Green Mall tengok-tengok kedai-kedai jualan - beli bag for 'hand luggage'.

6 petang

Sampai rumah (Bowburn)

7.30 malam

En. Nasaruddin dan Puan Zarina Baharuddin Zamani ajak makan malam di rumahnya - makan nasi, ayam kari dan ikan goreng, pecal.

Malam tido.

Komentar

We spend a short time in Newcastle, as there isn't much to see. He's into museums, arts and history but I have no idea where the museum is in Newcastle, being a much more ardent shopper than a tourist.

Thank you so much for your kindness, Kak Lin and Kak Zarina.

I miss you Father, we were in Sabak Bernam yesterday and having a late lunch in your favourite shop. I wish you were here. To listen to your stories about your childhood spent in Sabak Bernam. Al- Fatihah to Haji Marwan Bin Saliman.

CATATAN ABAH - DAY 3 & 4 BOWBURN & DURHAM

* Depan Bowburn Library. Saya tidak pernah meminjam buku disini. Shame on me*

*The famous Durham Cathedral. They refused to get inside, on the religious ground*

Salams,

Here I present what my late Dad wrote on our third and fourth days journey in Europe.

________________________________________________________

DAY 3 30/4/09 Khamis

2.30 pagi

Bangun Subuh - solat.

5.30 pagi

Akak masak nasi - makan. Ada ayam yang dimasak oleh kawan Akak. Sambung tidur lagi. (komentar - Abah tidak makan semasa sampai dirumah. Logik lah kelaparan pada pukul 5.30 pagi ini).

11.30 pagi

Makan nasi lagi.

1.30 petang

Solat Zuhur -Asar. Tidur lagi. Hari ini aktiviti tidur sebab keletihan/jetlag.

8.30 malam

Masuk waktu Maghrib. Solat Jema'ah lagi. Makan malam. Tidur lagi.

2.30 pagi

Waktu Subuh (Baca surah Sajadah dan Insan).

DAY 4 1/5/09 JUMAAT

Program tidur lagi. Penat tak hilang lagi.

6.00 pagi

Sarapan pagi

10 pagi

Makan nasi.

12 tengahari

Keluar bertiga jalan kaki dari rumah ke tempat tunggu bas untuk pergi solat Jumaat di bandar Durham. Dekat tempat tunggu bas jumpa kawan akak (Fauzi) dengan anaknya balik sekolah. Dia pelawa naik keretanya. So kita balik semula rumah.

1 petang

Emak dan Akak naik kereta Fauzi, manakala saya naik kereta depan rumah (juga pelajar malaysia) dengan seorang lagi kawan untuk ke Durham solat Jumaat. Sebuah rumah dua tingkat dijadikan surau untuk solat Jumaat. Khutbah dalam bahasa Ingeris dan ada 200+ orang jemaah. Majoriti jemaah orang Pakistan dan timur tengah.

Lepas solat kita jalan kaki ronda bandar Durham. Bangunan lama-lama 2 tingkat. Lalu sebahagian University Durham. Ada sungai - ada cruise lalu bawah ramai orang menyusur sungai.

Melawat gereja bangunan lama seperti di Rome dan masuk laman Castle zaman dahulu, malangnya tak boleh masuk. Then ronda lagi ke shopping complex. Minum teh sebab perut senak. Hujan renyai. Tiada kedai makanan halal disini.

Akak masukkan sebahagian wang yang kami bawa di bank dan tukar ke Euro untuk Euro500.

Pergi stesen bas - canggih. Infrastructure berkomputer. Tambang bayar pada driver juga ada printer (komentar - tiket keluar pada mesin). Sampai rumah Bowburn jam 6 petang.

Jumpa Ustaz Mazlee ajak usrah rumah jiran jam 8 malam, tapi letih sangat.

8 malam

Makan nasi. Aktiviti - tido.

Komentar

This is only a short writing. Notice that the sentences wrote are never full. He noticed things that I wasn't - worse - took for granted. The thing happened that scared me on the 4th day was he suddenly stop walking and sitting, telling us that he wasn't well. That was why we had tea. And curse me, I didn't even know the existence of Kebab Halal shop, as I never explore the other side of the town. Otherwise, we will never visit the tea shop.

Durham was wet on that day, I suspected that he was really cold, that was why he was having a stomachache. My wild guess.

I miss him, so much until it hurts like hell. My dad, my only dad. Please send al-Fatihah to Haji Marwan bin Saliman.